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Baek Seung Jo’s Diary Part 7
Thanks to WONDERRRGIRL/♥WonderrrLiz501♥ @lovekimhyunjoong.com for the English translation.
*********************************
You kept asking about Yoon Haera. I asked if you’re jealous. you said you’re not.
Silly, your face already shows how much Yoon Haera has affected you. ke
Today, you gave me another chance to tease you again. hehe
“Are you being jealous now? ah, you should be. Afterall we have already shared a kiss between ourselves.”
You slowly lifted your face, full of expectations. Are you thinking I will kiss you then?
Do I look like that sort? Silly~! I am not an easy guy! haha
You seemed a little embarrassed. Even your ears are red. Like a kid with an expression that is full of expectations, this is really interesting. But, it will end today!
“ah, looking at this it really is such a waste.”
She will probably run back to her own room, knowing that I am teasing her, and jumped about in anger?
Teasing her is as interesting as playing with a toy.
=====================
Today, why are you still not at our class? What are you doing now? I actually became a little disappointed.
Will you come to the canteen during lunch?
hehe. Oh Hani, you are indeed still mesmerised by me.
From far, seeing her hide behind the menu, really seems just like a silly head. hehe
“Can say but can’t see it?”
Appearing suddenly at her back, and seeing her happy expression when seeing me, like a puppy seeing her owner. Seems to be following what I’ve said, saying “me too” and shyly stick out her tongue.
But Bong Joon Gu this fellow, why did he appear again? Always following behind a girl, he really doesn’t have anything better to do?
Oh Hani are you really that happy? What is so good about him?
=============
Don’t even know how to play tennis, and still insist on buying tennis wear.
It looks really good.
But, Oh Hani, you have come to the wrong place.
you will suffer like this.
In order to not let you come in, I gave you a lot of hints.
What? You actually can see Kyeong Su Hyung as a gentle and warm character?
Fine, then I will let you see the real side of the sunbae that you look up to so much.
Oh Hani praising sunbae is a little difficult to bear, so I purposely hit the ball to somewhere where sunbae cannot receive back.
Seeing Kyeong Su sunbae running to and back in front of me.
Really makes me feel good!
===================
While respecting the other’s freedom, we fell in love. Someone have said this, if love is meant to throw away my freedom to fulfill the other’s freedom, that sort of relationship is abhorent.
That love can only be a failure.
Yoon hera, who knows more about Sartre and Bovary than Sartre himself.
=======================
words like “Sartre and Bovary’s relationship?”
“Compared to Sartre, you are more concerned with Sartre and Bovary;s relationship?”
Indeed, women are never concerned about the author, but instead how the author is related to other people…
Pretending to be concerned with Sartre, when instead her true concern lies in someone else.
To me, this sort of woman can only be smart and that’s all.
=====================
You always say I’m a flirt, but the fact is there is nothing you can do.
Even when coming to class, you led Bong Joon Gu into it. Don’t even know English, how can you understand this lesson?
Listening to this lesson together, other than speechless, there is really nothing I can say.
Don’t know why, just watching Oh Hani and Bong Joon Gu together makes me distracted. The lecturer asked a very ridiculous question and you can’t understand and asked me about it. I pretend not to hear.
In front of her, I always become a very childish young person…
======================
Just now you still seem happy, until you see Haera your face immediately changed.
Your expression clearly shows how you felt, yet you still continue to deny.
“We have to do a research project that requires 2 person in a group, you go to the living room to study?
Pretending to be saying to Eun Jo, actually I said it to let Hani know why Haera is here.
Thus, don’t let your useless self-esteem get yourself down.
Don’t misunderstand.
======================
A living ant has climbed on the flower that is made of the non-living soil.
This ant thinks this is a real flower, and that seems to allow the flower to have a life.
Slowly and small, but living with value, just like a particular person.
Don’t know how much strength this ant have used, how long it has walked before walking into this flower.
Seems to have walked into my hardened heart.
=======================
Leaving? Really leaving? Always yourself without saying it out.
” Disappointed?”
“What, why should I be sad… this is good too, since I want to return to my original life.”
However, my voice seems to have lost its energy, like my throat has been stucked.
And I feel like a friend who has been with me for a long time has gone away.
All is left is me getting through the night.
=======================
If that’s the case then let it be….
Even though that’s what I’ve said, but it still feels difficult inside.
Goodbye….
Just like a door being shut tight, my heart will be shut tight too…
Return to the times when there is no you in my life.
Without you, seems like a sense of unease keeps coming, a little difficult to bear.
It will be better again, it will be better again very soon…
=======================
When you’re about to leave, maybe there is something you want to say to me
You kept hesitating at the door.
I should say at this point of time, “Sorry” to you, or should I say ” Interesting “
But, it is a very difficult thing to feel..
======================
Why is it so sudden? Why, did I let her have such a difficult time?
Have never said a nice word to you, always teasing you.
Is it because it’s so hard, so that’s why you left?
It’s really okay, anyway Oh Hani is just following right?
I, who can always make decisions for myself, for the first time I asked myself a question that I myself don’t even know.
A little worried.
The sun that shines on me, seems to have become cold.
=======================
You have always been so concerned with the doll that I gave you, why did you leave without it?
In order to save this, you’re not even afraid of what happened at the traffic junction?
When I was getting this doll for you that day,
you kept saying ” Left! Right! Abit more!” You’re more excited than me, patting my shoulder.
So happy, but suddenly in a short while, seems to have thrown away all the feelings that was kept in our hearts.
That day was very confusing. Watching you, who can’t even control your own feelings, I feel so amazed. You keep patting my shoulder and talking.
Intruding onto my space, I’m a little annoyed and also a little shocked.
I can finally watch you smile, yet this doll that has been left behind seems to be telling me, from now on, both of us have ended.
My heart feels painful
Normally this heart which doesn’t feel anything, today seems like a knife had cut through it, it’s unbearable.
******
Credit jina_bing_bang@Soompi for translation.
Original Entry at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
SeungJo’s Diary Epilogue 1
Author: Lim Young Joo (Same person who wrote the YouTube diaries)
Authors Note:
I am surprised that there are people still reading SeungJo’s diary although 장키 (Playful Kiss) has been over for a while ㅠㅠ
So I intend to give a present.
This is just a scribble of the after story for Playful Kiss, I wonder if people will read it…
Perhaps I will wish to make this one or two pieces
Because surprises are always pleasant.
Original Entry at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
SeungJo’s Diary Epilogue 1
Author: Lim Young Joo (Same person who wrote the YouTube diaries)
Authors Note:
I am surprised that there are people still reading SeungJo’s diary although 장키 (Playful Kiss) has been over for a while ㅠㅠ
So I intend to give a present.
This is just a scribble of the after story for Playful Kiss, I wonder if people will read it…
Perhaps I will wish to make this one or two pieces
Because surprises are always pleasant.
<1 Year Later>
Kkong Dang Kkong Dang I can hear Hani coming up the stairs.
The sound of Hani coming back to my arms, my lips secretly make a smile.
“I’m Back”, Hani says in a cheerless voice (low energy, weak).
With the final stages of Hani studying for her test it takes lots of strength even protecting her from the side is pitiful.
Whoo~ She comes to my side as she exhales a sigh.
From my back hearing Hani’s heart makes me feel good.
Stealthily I lifted her arm and slightly gave the back of her a kiss.
A warm kiss was returned to my earlobe.
The short act of skinship that come and go is like the fatigue of one spring day’s snow melting away.
“Is it really hard?”
“Yeah.”
It must really be hard she is not saying it is not.
“Wash up and quickly rest!”
“No, I have to study a little bit more. Tomorrow is the last mock test.”
“Do you want help?” “No, I will just do it on my own”
“What’s up with that? You didn’t ask for my help.”
“It must be hard for you too? I heard you have a test on the nervous system tomorrow”
I am moved by tears (It is a form of expression- He felt touched).
These days I see this fellow think deeply and see an effort in trying to stand on her own.
For a genius like me the terrible studies of medical school are taking little tolls on me as I am fatigued.
The material to study for medical school is massive so no one should study alone.
Either form a study group and share information with each other or receive the Sunbae’s records and study from that.
There are too many things to memorize.
I am thankful for the name of love to recognize and consider this.
“Hani, continue after you eat these late night snacks. My goodness! How can it be so hard?
Just have a child living comfortably and sweetly instead.”
As soon as I fell asleep mother silently came in.
These days mother is busy preparing late night snacks for Hani. At any rate my Hani will become a pig.
“Yes, Thank you. You do not have to do this, you cannot even sleep, If I am hungry I will figure it out.”
“No, you! This is how I live. I lived so much without having fun as I raised those two stiff siblings”
Of course it is something mother would say.
Ook! Suddenly Hani threw up. Why is this?
“Why is something wrong with the taste? Did it go bad? I just prepared it”
“No, Just I do not feel well. It must be because I am a bit tired”
“You…By chance do you have good news”
Mother’s assumptions are rising. I better stop her at this point.
“Mother! Please stop chatting and go downstairs to sleep. I have to go out early tomorrow morning. You do not have to brag about your mother in law/daughter in law relationship everyone already knows.”
“Oh? Did you wake up because of me? Sorry! Hani! If you don’t really feel well make sure to take some medicine!”
Mother who lowered her voice begged Hani and barely left to go downstairs.
After hearing several alarm clocks ringing Hani did not wake up.
“Isn’t it time for you to go to school? You have to get up!”
Okay, Hani says but as she tosses and turns she has no strength in her voice. As I place my hand on her forehead she has a slight fever.
Thoroughly examining her I see that she dark circles under her eyes have formed and her face doesn’t look good these days.
It looks like she is sick somewhere.
“It seems that you have a fever so going to the hospital seems good.”
“Okay, after going to school I will stop by the hospital and come home”
“What do I do? Pregnant already, I haven’t become a nurse yet and haven’t fulfilled anything.
First becoming a mother. I feel like a fool.
SeungJo is also studying busily and suddenly if he knows about having a baby then it would be harder, right?
If mother finds out she will certainly say to give up on studying
Am I supposed to give up my dreams like this? What should I do?
I have a heavy heart thinking that I may not be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse compared to having a pretty baby.
As soon as she came, mother poured questions at me.
It was apparent that she was anticipating something.
I just said that I had an upset stomach and went upstairs.
‘SeungJo, Hurry and come. What will I do?’
Even though I eagerly waited for SeungJo of course he was late today too.
Other students form study groups as if they were living together but since SeungJo is married he comes home even if it is late.
Will he be happy that suddenly we have a child in the midst of both studying and being busy?
While waiting for SeungJo a number of thoughts shook my feelings.
‘I should wait a little and tell him once both of our tests are over. Besides if I tell him concentrating on studying will be uneasy. Baby, I am sorry! It’s not that I am not joyous; it’s just that mom and dad are a bit busy. Sorry baby…’
“What did they say at the hospital? Are you okay?” “Yeah”
“Now next week is the test, are you confident?”
“Yeah, I am going to surely pass! For me, for you and for our bab, HMPH!”
Hani was talking but suddenly covered her mouth with her hand and stopped talking.
“What?” “Ah, it’s nothing.”
“Dull, You’re working hard, Pretty, My Hani! Just endure the hardship for a few more days.”
Drawing silent Hani by her hair into my arms I held her.
Soft breathes from Hani are felt above my chest.
I feel peace everyday in the arms of Hani.
Like lighting a firework slowly once on the forehead, second time on her earlobe I kiss her.
Slowly it is getting warmer. Like she was melting or soaking Hani was snuggling into my arms.
The faster her breathes got the deeper I wanted to snuggle with Hani but she slightly pushed me away.
“Why is something wrong? Do you not like it? It’s been a long time?”
“It’s because I am a bit tired, sorry, maybe because of the test I am tense.”
I felt restless and hurt but seeing Hani really tired made these feelings release.
“Then, let me just hold you and sleep.”
Why is she likes this, is it really because of the test? It seems like she has a worry these days, it seems that she has been under lots of stress from the test, I must console her somehow.
Even though I was in SeungJo’s warm arms and getting kissed I couldn’t deal with the worries that were like tides coming in.
What to do? Can someone like me be a good mother? I’m not the brightest, a scatterbrain, and accident prone and what if I also can’t be with my child like my mother?
I do not even want to think about this but this keeps piling up and is giving me strength.
‘SeungJo, What do I do. I wanted to become a mother after I fulfilled my dream and became a great person. Since it became like this-what do we do? Oh HaNi! Let’s stop worrying and diligently study!’
I thought she was asleep but Hani silently removing herself from my arms and sitting in front of the desk looks pitiful.
Noah’s snail showing great diligence to fulfill her dream, I am proud of Oh HaNi but seeing her suffer a part of my heart stings like a knife constantly cutting it.
I watched the back of her study without saying anything. Fighting my snail, Oh HaNi!
In a little bit she slid to the side of the desk and though time passed she did not get up.
‘She must have fallen asleep although she can’t even stay up late’
The wind blew by.
Thinking she would wake up I silently carried her and laid her on the bed, after picking out expected exam questions, explaining the problems gotten wrong and checked the problems you will need to know. This is my small present to your tired self.
Finally today is the test.
For now the baby and I have been overcoming this.
Because we were both studying the baby must be suffering as well when I pull my stomach a bit it hurts at times.
I am sorry I was surprised baby, sorry baby and once I stroke my stomach everything will be okay.
You must be very sincere since you will be like me. You would be very cold if you were to be like SeungJo.
Wait, what if you are like me so you’re not smart?
No. Baby please have SeungJo’s brain and my personality.
Please…I earnestly requested to the baby.
Do well on the test, said blunt brother in law EunJo
Hani! At least take a pill to clear your heart, said always very worried Mother
Warmly passing my lunch-my father, patting my back, one’s other father
Everyone gathered their cheers and gallantly came to the testing site.
But why do I feel dizzy? This can’t happen, Let me find more strength.
Baby! Let us both give it our all. Fighting to you too. SeungJo! Give us strength.
I was waiting for her in the front of the testing site thinking that I better take her out to eat some good things.
Fortunately the weather was not cold. You must have seen me from afar as you brightly smiled and ran my way.
Do you feel that good?
A smile that fills my heart like a full spring scenery and blossoming flowers you come running.
For a moment my heart flutters and feels content, suddenly Hani collapses in front of me.
Suddenly my heart plunges to the bottom.
“Because much stress received the mother is suffering a lot. The baby is also suffering so as the husband, please do well so stress will not be received”
Mother? I feel as if someone hit the back of my head with a hammer.
“Did you know?”
“Yeah”
“Fool, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you were suffering as well from studying, I am also not prepared”
An awkward and hesitant voice came out.
“Then were you trying to have a miscarriage?”
Hani must have been very surprised at my angry voice as she opened her eyes big, nodded her head and said this while crying.
“I…thought this would be a distraction while you were studying, after we were done with our tests...”
“Why don’t you trust me? You are suffering all by yourself and I do not even know you were laughing around like a fool? Why are you making me into the bad person~!”
Looking at the tears that were about to fall from Hani’s eyes I stopped to say the sharp remarks.
Saying these remarks although I know the baby is roughly hearing them and while disregarding Hani’s eyes.
Baek Seung Jo. You have a long way to go…
While nodding her head, tear fallings, with an alarmed face and shaking voice…
“No tha...that is not it but if mother knew…give up studying…give it up…she could say that. I really wanted to be a nurse and be a good wife to you. ..(Sobs).”
Hani’s half crying half whining words and the duty to the baby has been weighing down my heart.
If she met a normal man then the baby would not suffer this much and would be content by what she has…
If I sought out more care for her…
A person who is becoming a doctor not knowing that his own wife is pregnant and leaving her suffering like that…
At once like a tide is rising liability is taking a strangle hold on me.
By myself what could I do to handle this fear and comfort the baby?
The words I’m sorry did not come out, I indefinitely felt small and was shabby, and all I could do was hold Hani.
And the times where I had to swallow my sorrows all came out at once, sadly crying for a while.
How long could that small body be in pain?
As a foolish husband the scolded tears that make bones hurt come out.
The tears from a man who let the wife he loves suffer all by herself formed in my eyes.
“Truthfully I was struck with fear. I feared that I would not be able to protect my child like my mother.”
I see. You were hurting more from something that I didn’t even think of.
“It’s okay. You have me. I will undoubtedly protect you. No matter what I will not let you leave me first so do no worry. Okay?”
A promise and a kiss.
The tears on top of her cheek absorbed and the tears on top of her eyelashes.
The tears on top of her suffering red forehead too…
From now on do not cry by yourself.
By swallowing all your bittersweet tears I am swallowing all of your pain…
The times of loneliness inside your tears I asked for them to all be erased.
Slowly Hani’s crying began to die down.
With a tearful face she tells me, “We still have to tell the parents?”
“No, with mothers aggressiveness we do not know how she will react and we should wait until out tests are revealed. Once we pass because it is a waste she can’t say that we have to stop studying. By the way! When you are pregnant I hear you want to try new things are you craving anything?”
“Are you really going to directly buy what I want?”
“Of course!”
“Thus far there hasn’t been a day where you have done so.”
Asking as if she doesn’t believe and with shiny eyes.
Was I really like this? It isn’t something I have thought about before.
Possibly even though I say that I love you I neglect the little things you do for me.
Again I am sorry. Why does love mean saying sorry?
When do you think a day will come where love is efficient enough not to say sorry?
“I want to eat strawberries. Will there be strawberries in November?”
“These days there should be house strawberries. I will buy them!”
For the times of carelessness I want to try and compensate for that so like the wind I am running in the November wind.
“Mom, Look at Hyung! Why is he hiding the strawberries he bought and running up so fast? How shameful, is he going so fast because he thinks someone is going to steal them?”
“What? Strawberries?”
From the back I hear EunJo expressing his doubt and mothers voice starting to come up.
I should have hid them and then come in.
“Here, I bought the strawberries.” “It took longer than I thought. Are there not any nearby?”
“Yeah, there weren’t any in the neighborhood so I went all the way to a big super market. I think I was caught by EunJo so eat them fast.”
“Really? Then we should both eat it.”
“Don’t share it. You eat them all by yourself. Is there anything else you want to eat?”
Suddenly spilling my heart like this Hani’s eyes look like the moon lighting up.
Within that moonlight my heart is spreading throughout my body.
“Hani! SeungJo!”
Mothers quick sense and voice that hit the back of my head.
“You guys have something that you are hiding? Answer truthfully~ Hani is pregnant, right?”
Followed by curiosity of going crazy one word stuck out.
“Yes”,
“Right? My premonition was right~! HA HA HA Why did you hide such a joyous fact? I feel hurt.”
“Truthfully…I…thought you would tell is to give up studying”
How much she felt sorry was told by Hani not being able to look at mother and respond with her head down.
“Hey, Why would I not let you study? You studies so hard that would be wasteful, when your cravings start it will be break so it is alright and by the time the baby is to be born in August it will be break again so it is perfect! SeungJo, as expected you’re a genius for perfectly timing!”
In an instant mother scheduled and balance everything. She is always busy.
Although she is so fast that it does become a problem.
“Do not worry and just give birth to a healthy baby. I will take care of everything”
“Do not have the baby wear girl clothes again.”
“No! I will never do that. Hani will give birth to a pretty girl? Right Hani~!
What are you doing? Hurry and contact your fathers. EunJo! You also think of some baby names~! Ah, we have to take a commemoration picture!”
The rapid buzz pouring out from Mother’s voice followed by joy that fills the whole house.
The suffering that has been released comes now the sunlight that makes all of you shine.
And to our baby too.
Kkong Dang Kkong Dang I can hear Hani coming up the stairs.
The sound of Hani coming back to my arms, my lips secretly make a smile.
“I’m Back”, Hani says in a cheerless voice (low energy, weak).
With the final stages of Hani studying for her test it takes lots of strength even protecting her from the side is pitiful.
Whoo~ She comes to my side as she exhales a sigh.
From my back hearing Hani’s heart makes me feel good.
Stealthily I lifted her arm and slightly gave the back of her a kiss.
A warm kiss was returned to my earlobe.
The short act of skinship that come and go is like the fatigue of one spring day’s snow melting away.
“Is it really hard?”
“Yeah.”
It must really be hard she is not saying it is not.
“Wash up and quickly rest!”
“No, I have to study a little bit more. Tomorrow is the last mock test.”
“Do you want help?” “No, I will just do it on my own”
“What’s up with that? You didn’t ask for my help.”
“It must be hard for you too? I heard you have a test on the nervous system tomorrow”
I am moved by tears (It is a form of expression- He felt touched).
These days I see this fellow think deeply and see an effort in trying to stand on her own.
For a genius like me the terrible studies of medical school are taking little tolls on me as I am fatigued.
The material to study for medical school is massive so no one should study alone.
Either form a study group and share information with each other or receive the Sunbae’s records and study from that.
There are too many things to memorize.
I am thankful for the name of love to recognize and consider this.
“Hani, continue after you eat these late night snacks. My goodness! How can it be so hard?
Just have a child living comfortably and sweetly instead.”
As soon as I fell asleep mother silently came in.
These days mother is busy preparing late night snacks for Hani. At any rate my Hani will become a pig.
“Yes, Thank you. You do not have to do this, you cannot even sleep, If I am hungry I will figure it out.”
“No, you! This is how I live. I lived so much without having fun as I raised those two stiff siblings”
Of course it is something mother would say.
Ook! Suddenly Hani threw up. Why is this?
“Why is something wrong with the taste? Did it go bad? I just prepared it”
“No, Just I do not feel well. It must be because I am a bit tired”
“You…By chance do you have good news”
Mother’s assumptions are rising. I better stop her at this point.
“Mother! Please stop chatting and go downstairs to sleep. I have to go out early tomorrow morning. You do not have to brag about your mother in law/daughter in law relationship everyone already knows.”
“Oh? Did you wake up because of me? Sorry! Hani! If you don’t really feel well make sure to take some medicine!”
Mother who lowered her voice begged Hani and barely left to go downstairs.
After hearing several alarm clocks ringing Hani did not wake up.
“Isn’t it time for you to go to school? You have to get up!”
Okay, Hani says but as she tosses and turns she has no strength in her voice. As I place my hand on her forehead she has a slight fever.
Thoroughly examining her I see that she dark circles under her eyes have formed and her face doesn’t look good these days.
It looks like she is sick somewhere.
“It seems that you have a fever so going to the hospital seems good.”
“Okay, after going to school I will stop by the hospital and come home”
“What do I do? Pregnant already, I haven’t become a nurse yet and haven’t fulfilled anything.
First becoming a mother. I feel like a fool.
SeungJo is also studying busily and suddenly if he knows about having a baby then it would be harder, right?
If mother finds out she will certainly say to give up on studying
Am I supposed to give up my dreams like this? What should I do?
I have a heavy heart thinking that I may not be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse compared to having a pretty baby.
As soon as she came, mother poured questions at me.
It was apparent that she was anticipating something.
I just said that I had an upset stomach and went upstairs.
‘SeungJo, Hurry and come. What will I do?’
Even though I eagerly waited for SeungJo of course he was late today too.
Other students form study groups as if they were living together but since SeungJo is married he comes home even if it is late.
Will he be happy that suddenly we have a child in the midst of both studying and being busy?
While waiting for SeungJo a number of thoughts shook my feelings.
‘I should wait a little and tell him once both of our tests are over. Besides if I tell him concentrating on studying will be uneasy. Baby, I am sorry! It’s not that I am not joyous; it’s just that mom and dad are a bit busy. Sorry baby…’
“What did they say at the hospital? Are you okay?” “Yeah”
“Now next week is the test, are you confident?”
“Yeah, I am going to surely pass! For me, for you and for our bab, HMPH!”
Hani was talking but suddenly covered her mouth with her hand and stopped talking.
“What?” “Ah, it’s nothing.”
“Dull, You’re working hard, Pretty, My Hani! Just endure the hardship for a few more days.”
Drawing silent Hani by her hair into my arms I held her.
Soft breathes from Hani are felt above my chest.
I feel peace everyday in the arms of Hani.
Like lighting a firework slowly once on the forehead, second time on her earlobe I kiss her.
Slowly it is getting warmer. Like she was melting or soaking Hani was snuggling into my arms.
The faster her breathes got the deeper I wanted to snuggle with Hani but she slightly pushed me away.
“Why is something wrong? Do you not like it? It’s been a long time?”
“It’s because I am a bit tired, sorry, maybe because of the test I am tense.”
I felt restless and hurt but seeing Hani really tired made these feelings release.
“Then, let me just hold you and sleep.”
Why is she likes this, is it really because of the test? It seems like she has a worry these days, it seems that she has been under lots of stress from the test, I must console her somehow.
Even though I was in SeungJo’s warm arms and getting kissed I couldn’t deal with the worries that were like tides coming in.
What to do? Can someone like me be a good mother? I’m not the brightest, a scatterbrain, and accident prone and what if I also can’t be with my child like my mother?
I do not even want to think about this but this keeps piling up and is giving me strength.
‘SeungJo, What do I do. I wanted to become a mother after I fulfilled my dream and became a great person. Since it became like this-what do we do? Oh HaNi! Let’s stop worrying and diligently study!’
I thought she was asleep but Hani silently removing herself from my arms and sitting in front of the desk looks pitiful.
Noah’s snail showing great diligence to fulfill her dream, I am proud of Oh HaNi but seeing her suffer a part of my heart stings like a knife constantly cutting it.
I watched the back of her study without saying anything. Fighting my snail, Oh HaNi!
In a little bit she slid to the side of the desk and though time passed she did not get up.
‘She must have fallen asleep although she can’t even stay up late’
The wind blew by.
Thinking she would wake up I silently carried her and laid her on the bed, after picking out expected exam questions, explaining the problems gotten wrong and checked the problems you will need to know. This is my small present to your tired self.
Finally today is the test.
For now the baby and I have been overcoming this.
Because we were both studying the baby must be suffering as well when I pull my stomach a bit it hurts at times.
I am sorry I was surprised baby, sorry baby and once I stroke my stomach everything will be okay.
You must be very sincere since you will be like me. You would be very cold if you were to be like SeungJo.
Wait, what if you are like me so you’re not smart?
No. Baby please have SeungJo’s brain and my personality.
Please…I earnestly requested to the baby.
Do well on the test, said blunt brother in law EunJo
Hani! At least take a pill to clear your heart, said always very worried Mother
Warmly passing my lunch-my father, patting my back, one’s other father
Everyone gathered their cheers and gallantly came to the testing site.
But why do I feel dizzy? This can’t happen, Let me find more strength.
Baby! Let us both give it our all. Fighting to you too. SeungJo! Give us strength.
I was waiting for her in the front of the testing site thinking that I better take her out to eat some good things.
Fortunately the weather was not cold. You must have seen me from afar as you brightly smiled and ran my way.
Do you feel that good?
A smile that fills my heart like a full spring scenery and blossoming flowers you come running.
For a moment my heart flutters and feels content, suddenly Hani collapses in front of me.
Suddenly my heart plunges to the bottom.
“Because much stress received the mother is suffering a lot. The baby is also suffering so as the husband, please do well so stress will not be received”
Mother? I feel as if someone hit the back of my head with a hammer.
“Did you know?”
“Yeah”
“Fool, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you were suffering as well from studying, I am also not prepared”
An awkward and hesitant voice came out.
“Then were you trying to have a miscarriage?”
Hani must have been very surprised at my angry voice as she opened her eyes big, nodded her head and said this while crying.
“I…thought this would be a distraction while you were studying, after we were done with our tests...”
“Why don’t you trust me? You are suffering all by yourself and I do not even know you were laughing around like a fool? Why are you making me into the bad person~!”
Looking at the tears that were about to fall from Hani’s eyes I stopped to say the sharp remarks.
Saying these remarks although I know the baby is roughly hearing them and while disregarding Hani’s eyes.
Baek Seung Jo. You have a long way to go…
While nodding her head, tear fallings, with an alarmed face and shaking voice…
“No tha...that is not it but if mother knew…give up studying…give it up…she could say that. I really wanted to be a nurse and be a good wife to you. ..(Sobs).”
Hani’s half crying half whining words and the duty to the baby has been weighing down my heart.
If she met a normal man then the baby would not suffer this much and would be content by what she has…
If I sought out more care for her…
A person who is becoming a doctor not knowing that his own wife is pregnant and leaving her suffering like that…
At once like a tide is rising liability is taking a strangle hold on me.
By myself what could I do to handle this fear and comfort the baby?
The words I’m sorry did not come out, I indefinitely felt small and was shabby, and all I could do was hold Hani.
And the times where I had to swallow my sorrows all came out at once, sadly crying for a while.
How long could that small body be in pain?
As a foolish husband the scolded tears that make bones hurt come out.
The tears from a man who let the wife he loves suffer all by herself formed in my eyes.
“Truthfully I was struck with fear. I feared that I would not be able to protect my child like my mother.”
I see. You were hurting more from something that I didn’t even think of.
“It’s okay. You have me. I will undoubtedly protect you. No matter what I will not let you leave me first so do no worry. Okay?”
A promise and a kiss.
The tears on top of her cheek absorbed and the tears on top of her eyelashes.
The tears on top of her suffering red forehead too…
From now on do not cry by yourself.
By swallowing all your bittersweet tears I am swallowing all of your pain…
The times of loneliness inside your tears I asked for them to all be erased.
Slowly Hani’s crying began to die down.
With a tearful face she tells me, “We still have to tell the parents?”
“No, with mothers aggressiveness we do not know how she will react and we should wait until out tests are revealed. Once we pass because it is a waste she can’t say that we have to stop studying. By the way! When you are pregnant I hear you want to try new things are you craving anything?”
“Are you really going to directly buy what I want?”
“Of course!”
“Thus far there hasn’t been a day where you have done so.”
Asking as if she doesn’t believe and with shiny eyes.
Was I really like this? It isn’t something I have thought about before.
Possibly even though I say that I love you I neglect the little things you do for me.
Again I am sorry. Why does love mean saying sorry?
When do you think a day will come where love is efficient enough not to say sorry?
“I want to eat strawberries. Will there be strawberries in November?”
“These days there should be house strawberries. I will buy them!”
For the times of carelessness I want to try and compensate for that so like the wind I am running in the November wind.
“Mom, Look at Hyung! Why is he hiding the strawberries he bought and running up so fast? How shameful, is he going so fast because he thinks someone is going to steal them?”
“What? Strawberries?”
From the back I hear EunJo expressing his doubt and mothers voice starting to come up.
I should have hid them and then come in.
“Here, I bought the strawberries.” “It took longer than I thought. Are there not any nearby?”
“Yeah, there weren’t any in the neighborhood so I went all the way to a big super market. I think I was caught by EunJo so eat them fast.”
“Really? Then we should both eat it.”
“Don’t share it. You eat them all by yourself. Is there anything else you want to eat?”
Suddenly spilling my heart like this Hani’s eyes look like the moon lighting up.
Within that moonlight my heart is spreading throughout my body.
“Hani! SeungJo!”
Mothers quick sense and voice that hit the back of my head.
“You guys have something that you are hiding? Answer truthfully~ Hani is pregnant, right?”
Followed by curiosity of going crazy one word stuck out.
“Yes”,
“Right? My premonition was right~! HA HA HA Why did you hide such a joyous fact? I feel hurt.”
“Truthfully…I…thought you would tell is to give up studying”
How much she felt sorry was told by Hani not being able to look at mother and respond with her head down.
“Hey, Why would I not let you study? You studies so hard that would be wasteful, when your cravings start it will be break so it is alright and by the time the baby is to be born in August it will be break again so it is perfect! SeungJo, as expected you’re a genius for perfectly timing!”
In an instant mother scheduled and balance everything. She is always busy.
Although she is so fast that it does become a problem.
“Do not worry and just give birth to a healthy baby. I will take care of everything”
“Do not have the baby wear girl clothes again.”
“No! I will never do that. Hani will give birth to a pretty girl? Right Hani~!
What are you doing? Hurry and contact your fathers. EunJo! You also think of some baby names~! Ah, we have to take a commemoration picture!”
The rapid buzz pouring out from Mother’s voice followed by joy that fills the whole house.
The suffering that has been released comes now the sunlight that makes all of you shine.
And to our baby too.
Credit jina_bing_bang@Soompi for translation.
Original Entry at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
As the red sunset goes back the dark black dawn sinks in
One seabird was flying in between the margins of the sky and sea.
As I hear my bicycle tires scratching the wind of the fall sea that makes me feel good slides by my ears...
“Doctor Baek are you leaving? You are leaving late.”
The grandma collecting the fishing nets comes over to greet me.
“Yes. I am late because I am coming back from a house call from Father Lee, the village foreman.”
“Oh my! That fellow will now survive due because of you Doctor Baek”
“Not at all. Grandma, how is your back that has been hurting?”
“After taking the medicine you gave me Doctor Baek, I recovered so quickly it was frightening.”
“That is a relief. Once you run out of medicine, come and get a refill.”
“All right, but even if I do not go Nurse Hani matches the day and takes care of it for me. Where would you find a pretty wife like that. She’s Doctor Baek’s luck (lucky charm).”
“Yes! She is my luck. Please take care then.”
The boat that only comes in twice a day where the grandma and grandpa do not live
On this island Hani has more popularity. A young new bride following her husband
The elders love her (spoil her) even more because she came followed me here to this isolated island and is enduring hardship.
Thinking of what happened last fall a laugh comes out from the corners of my lips.
Instead of serving in the military doctors become a public health doctor for about 3 years going into a region and unit, providing selective service to a remote island.
I could have applied for a position for more land but if I have to do this anyway I wanted to work in a place that really needed the services.
I wanted to find a place where my work would pay off from the places that other people did not want to go in the smallest, most insignificant things.
I still cannot forget the look on my family’s faces when I told them where I would be doing my work, a remote island that is 5 hours away from Seoul, and about a 1 hour boat ride.
Hani at the time just graduated nursing school and got a job at a hospital, as she was going to come after finishing her 1 year of hands-on experience training but said that this was never possible with her distant eyes and did not eat for a few days due to crying.
Saying how is it possible to live staying so far apart and how she could not do it…
It is possible because I love you a hundreds of times more.
I was suffering more seeing Hani cry as I would be more pain being separated from you.
When the sun shines bright you open your eyes and give me a slight kiss on my forehead with your lips slightly open,
At night you look at me comfortably and sleep while I breathe heavily,
As you arm, legs wrap around my body…Your warm and chubby body,
Now without you I feel empty and cannot sleep… Like a fool…
And you think I do not love you more my darling…
After crying, not eating for a few days and making a fuss you said after you become proficient with your hands-on experience training and after being a doctor’s wife who is not ashamed you will come follow me, saying this while being close to tears and granting me permission.
When the days I was to leave alone came you were trying hard not to cry as you bit your lips in front of the Incheon docks, seeing Hani, my heart tightened and I was not even able to say stay well and take care of yourself.
But to only turn around and stand.
However after about three months, you not being able to live without seeing me followed me and came.
At that time hearing Hani’s footsteps that the whole house would know.
Saying SeungJo with the whiny voice…When you fall into my chest the scent that makes my whole body go crazy is what I longed for- compelled with nothing to say all I could do was accept this.
As I reached the official residence a bright, large eyed 5 year old female child quickly ran behind me.
Yes.
She is my daughter.
“Baek. Seung. Ha! Aren’t you going to come here? There is no use hiding behind Dad.”
“Mom, I am sorry”
“My SeungHa, What did you do again to make your mom mad like that?”
“Dad! I’m scared of mom.”
“ Do not think of taking SeungHa’s side today. She broke the game again. What kind of girl is so curious about many things?”
“I am really curious on what I do for the the sound and images to comes out!”
Whoo, You, caused another accident by being curious again!
Often these two people’s relationship is separated, today this has happened again.
“All right? Were you really that curious about it? But if you took it apart then you should assemble it back originally. Now, before mom gets any more upset should we put it back together? Which screw did you loosen last?”
Eyes filled with curiosity took my hand and followed me.
“How many times now is it? The clock, radio and finally the game console that Uncle EunJo sent you. Today there is no way! You need to be punished!”
“SeungHa, Let’s runaway. “
“Dad, Me too!! Ha Ha Ha”
A child and her mothers nagging, the child’s laughter that ripples around the warm house of mine.
Always my heart that is filled with flowers…
“Dad, play the guitar. I’m going to sing the ‘3 Bears’ song”
“Shall I?”
This one knows what to do exactly when her mom gets upset.
“3 Bears live in one house. The father bear, mother bear and baby bear.
Father bear is skinny. Mother bear is fat,”
“Baek. Seung. Ha. You, Again! Mother bear is not the fat one but it is father bear who is!”
“No it is not, in our house the mother bear is the fat one?”
“You, Repeatedly are making fun of calling your mom fat?”
“Dad likes mom to be fat? Isn’t it good if my loving mother takes over the world?”
“As expected my husband is the best!”
Lifting up her thumb, Hani brightly laughs.
My ways of loving are slowly going on more, means of being a husband. Recently.
After putting the child to sleep lying side by side at night.
A tired day turns to talking about minor things.
“How is Elder Lee?”
“Yeah, he has gotten a lot better”
“I was so surprised that day…”
He was in serious condition as his blood pressure was not able to be checked from the machine after running over there from getting the call that he was sitting down and then suddenly collapsed with no consciousness. Fortunately he responded quickly to CPR but his heart is in bad condition as he needed to go to a big hospital and get treatment.
“Even though he needs to go to a big hospital and get treatment, because he believes in Doctor Baek he does not want to go. If this continues what if he experiences a larger misfortune…”
“All grandmothers and grandfathers are like that. They think if they miss farm work for one day then it becomes a big hassle. Do you think their children know how they live by working hard?
“I know… Oh yeah! The grandma from Mokpo gave you a compliment today darling, which you regularly take care of her medicine.”
“Of course who am I? Don’t you think an absolute perfect, genius Doctor Baek SeungJo’s is capable more than just this?”
Hani really takes care of the grandmothers and grandfathers with care.
Massaging the legs of grandfathers whose legs are ruined due to severe farm work
Checking off and delivering medicine to those who cannot come to the health clinic
Even directly giving a grandmother a bath.
Hani even practices my principle of not to look at the disease, look at the person, a person treats people into action better than I do. This is my wife.
Pretty.
Slowly my feelings for you have come down.
In my arms your fragrance makes my lips quiver and quietly I expect your scent which makes my whole body quiver.
The more I look at you the deeper our love gets like the sea…
“Ring Ring”
Growing envious of a couple’s private time due to the urgent voice coming through the phone…..
Original Entry at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
As the red sunset goes back the dark black dawn sinks in
One seabird was flying in between the margins of the sky and sea.
As I hear my bicycle tires scratching the wind of the fall sea that makes me feel good slides by my ears...
“Doctor Baek are you leaving? You are leaving late.”
The grandma collecting the fishing nets comes over to greet me.
“Yes. I am late because I am coming back from a house call from Father Lee, the village foreman.”
“Oh my! That fellow will now survive due because of you Doctor Baek”
“Not at all. Grandma, how is your back that has been hurting?”
“After taking the medicine you gave me Doctor Baek, I recovered so quickly it was frightening.”
“That is a relief. Once you run out of medicine, come and get a refill.”
“All right, but even if I do not go Nurse Hani matches the day and takes care of it for me. Where would you find a pretty wife like that. She’s Doctor Baek’s luck (lucky charm).”
“Yes! She is my luck. Please take care then.”
The boat that only comes in twice a day where the grandma and grandpa do not live
On this island Hani has more popularity. A young new bride following her husband
The elders love her (spoil her) even more because she came followed me here to this isolated island and is enduring hardship.
Thinking of what happened last fall a laugh comes out from the corners of my lips.
Instead of serving in the military doctors become a public health doctor for about 3 years going into a region and unit, providing selective service to a remote island.
I could have applied for a position for more land but if I have to do this anyway I wanted to work in a place that really needed the services.
I wanted to find a place where my work would pay off from the places that other people did not want to go in the smallest, most insignificant things.
I still cannot forget the look on my family’s faces when I told them where I would be doing my work, a remote island that is 5 hours away from Seoul, and about a 1 hour boat ride.
Hani at the time just graduated nursing school and got a job at a hospital, as she was going to come after finishing her 1 year of hands-on experience training but said that this was never possible with her distant eyes and did not eat for a few days due to crying.
Saying how is it possible to live staying so far apart and how she could not do it…
It is possible because I love you a hundreds of times more.
I was suffering more seeing Hani cry as I would be more pain being separated from you.
When the sun shines bright you open your eyes and give me a slight kiss on my forehead with your lips slightly open,
At night you look at me comfortably and sleep while I breathe heavily,
As you arm, legs wrap around my body…Your warm and chubby body,
Now without you I feel empty and cannot sleep… Like a fool…
And you think I do not love you more my darling…
After crying, not eating for a few days and making a fuss you said after you become proficient with your hands-on experience training and after being a doctor’s wife who is not ashamed you will come follow me, saying this while being close to tears and granting me permission.
When the days I was to leave alone came you were trying hard not to cry as you bit your lips in front of the Incheon docks, seeing Hani, my heart tightened and I was not even able to say stay well and take care of yourself.
But to only turn around and stand.
However after about three months, you not being able to live without seeing me followed me and came.
At that time hearing Hani’s footsteps that the whole house would know.
Saying SeungJo with the whiny voice…When you fall into my chest the scent that makes my whole body go crazy is what I longed for- compelled with nothing to say all I could do was accept this.
As I reached the official residence a bright, large eyed 5 year old female child quickly ran behind me.
Yes.
She is my daughter.
“Baek. Seung. Ha! Aren’t you going to come here? There is no use hiding behind Dad.”
“Mom, I am sorry”
“My SeungHa, What did you do again to make your mom mad like that?”
“Dad! I’m scared of mom.”
“ Do not think of taking SeungHa’s side today. She broke the game again. What kind of girl is so curious about many things?”
“I am really curious on what I do for the the sound and images to comes out!”
Whoo, You, caused another accident by being curious again!
Often these two people’s relationship is separated, today this has happened again.
“All right? Were you really that curious about it? But if you took it apart then you should assemble it back originally. Now, before mom gets any more upset should we put it back together? Which screw did you loosen last?”
Eyes filled with curiosity took my hand and followed me.
“How many times now is it? The clock, radio and finally the game console that Uncle EunJo sent you. Today there is no way! You need to be punished!”
“SeungHa, Let’s runaway. “
“Dad, Me too!! Ha Ha Ha”
A child and her mothers nagging, the child’s laughter that ripples around the warm house of mine.
Always my heart that is filled with flowers…
“Dad, play the guitar. I’m going to sing the ‘3 Bears’ song”
“Shall I?”
This one knows what to do exactly when her mom gets upset.
“3 Bears live in one house. The father bear, mother bear and baby bear.
Father bear is skinny. Mother bear is fat,”
“Baek. Seung. Ha. You, Again! Mother bear is not the fat one but it is father bear who is!”
“No it is not, in our house the mother bear is the fat one?”
“You, Repeatedly are making fun of calling your mom fat?”
“Dad likes mom to be fat? Isn’t it good if my loving mother takes over the world?”
“As expected my husband is the best!”
Lifting up her thumb, Hani brightly laughs.
My ways of loving are slowly going on more, means of being a husband. Recently.
After putting the child to sleep lying side by side at night.
A tired day turns to talking about minor things.
“How is Elder Lee?”
“Yeah, he has gotten a lot better”
“I was so surprised that day…”
He was in serious condition as his blood pressure was not able to be checked from the machine after running over there from getting the call that he was sitting down and then suddenly collapsed with no consciousness. Fortunately he responded quickly to CPR but his heart is in bad condition as he needed to go to a big hospital and get treatment.
“Even though he needs to go to a big hospital and get treatment, because he believes in Doctor Baek he does not want to go. If this continues what if he experiences a larger misfortune…”
“All grandmothers and grandfathers are like that. They think if they miss farm work for one day then it becomes a big hassle. Do you think their children know how they live by working hard?
“I know… Oh yeah! The grandma from Mokpo gave you a compliment today darling, which you regularly take care of her medicine.”
“Of course who am I? Don’t you think an absolute perfect, genius Doctor Baek SeungJo’s is capable more than just this?”
Hani really takes care of the grandmothers and grandfathers with care.
Massaging the legs of grandfathers whose legs are ruined due to severe farm work
Checking off and delivering medicine to those who cannot come to the health clinic
Even directly giving a grandmother a bath.
Hani even practices my principle of not to look at the disease, look at the person, a person treats people into action better than I do. This is my wife.
Pretty.
Slowly my feelings for you have come down.
In my arms your fragrance makes my lips quiver and quietly I expect your scent which makes my whole body quiver.
The more I look at you the deeper our love gets like the sea…
“Ring Ring”
Growing envious of a couple’s private time due to the urgent voice coming through the phone…..
Part 3: The Best Life with Oh Hani
Credit jina_bing_bang@Soompi for translation.
Original Entry/Author at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
Original Authors Note:
I was going to write Ep. 3 (Part 3) longer but without any time now I have decided to finish off with Ep. 2 (Part 2). I am also writing a review for another place [another forum] and have been given a large project this month which gives me no more time. I apologize.
The weather is cold so everyone be careful of your health.
During the middle ten days of the month I am going up to Seoul, just in case you all were wondering where I live.
Just as if the wind was blowing past your face think of it as me asking how you were doing.
Meanwhile I thank you very very much!!
Shalom~~!
--
“Doctor there has been a terrible accident. The mute...No, SiWal’s son had an accident. He rolled over with the cultivator (farm tool for tilling) and is drenched in blood”
The patient’s condition was worse than I thought. In a lane where there is no street lamp and it is dark the accident must have occurred after drinking alcohol and then driving, rolling into the rice paddy as the handle part must have hit the stomach area hard as it was ripped and there was a lot of blood coming out. Like this while being transferred to a big hospital there is no doubt that the patient would pass away.
I better suture the ruptured blood vessel.
Hani’s face started to turn deathly pale as it was her first time seeing this much blood.
“Eh Oh Oh Oh!”
In front of the son who had already lost consciousness the mute mother’s groan like scream was eagerly begging for her son’s life more then a thousand and ten thousand times.
“Doctor! Please surely save my son, saying he will live with his mother in this remote island is pitiful…”
The pitiful cry that would not come out of her mouth, the mother’s cry when in front of her son facing his death came and nudged me in my heart.
After deciding surgery everything became urgent.
Before shock comes over the patient from extensive bleeding, stopping the bleeding needed to be done.
First securing prayer, then finding the cut blood vessels one by one by a clamp to pick and stop the bleeding.
But there must have been some blood vessels that I could not find as the bleeding would not stop.
The area of injury was overspread with blood which was the reason of not being able to find the blood vessel.
As anxiety wiggles I felt like a black snake being coiled up.
“Physiological saline!”
I did not hear a response.
“Physiological saline!” “Hani? Oh Hani, Please, Help me!”
Sadly when I called Hani in my heart she was standing trembling in the corner bringing me the saline solution that in the end began spilling on the floor.
I thought that I have to first comfort Hani and give her confidence.
“Just do as I say in a calm and orderly way. Then there will be no problem. Trust me!!
First take the saline solution and wash the injured area while continuously suctioning the area. This is because we need to find out where the blood is coming from”
With my voice Hani regained her confidence and the next time without shaking she followed well.
The experiences in the operating room at the general hospital came to mind. Calmly and orderly finding the blood vessels I began to suture them.
Finally the surgery safely ended.
After sending off the patient to the rescue helicopter in stable condition all the strength in my body was gone.
Without even knowing I slithered down to sit down in the hall.
I played it off as not knowing, playing it off as having an extreme amount of confidence…but the truth is…truthfully…I was afraid.
With being afraid I settled down my shaking hand and stitching the blood vessels with the most care was hard work.
The tension turning into strength for my shoulders reassured this hard work.
Besides one movement of my hand, one decision of having one’s life in my hands truthfully no matter what, is something that is a heavy burden that presses my heart. But if you want to see moments of me shaking, then being unable to save this patient without agitation could not have been hidden and seen.
But after winning over all this and saving one’s life with my hands truthfully gave me a thrilling and fulfilled joy. With words that I cannot describe…For this moment I think I have studied hard during all those years.
“It was hard, wasn’t it? However you did well by becoming a doctor.”
Gently Hani rested onto my shoulder. The temperature coming to my feelings were warm as I whispered gently to myself.
“Hani, it is because of you. Because of you I found it, my dream is good – because of you this good instant was made. Not only for the image you make but,
Hani, the image that you make for me is also good. The comfortable person that I become when I am with you is who I like.”
Even being afraid of the future which a genius could not figure out, the wandering me found what I was supposed to do by your teachings (ways).For the official experience that you did not even know or could do, all the misery and tears produced- because of you I became a doctor.
A person who never hides love for the one they love.
A person like this who is my wife…
A warm person that I could never meet again in this world…
It is really good.
Original Entry/Author at MBC Playful Kiss Homepage
Original Authors Note:
I was going to write Ep. 3 (Part 3) longer but without any time now I have decided to finish off with Ep. 2 (Part 2). I am also writing a review for another place [another forum] and have been given a large project this month which gives me no more time. I apologize.
The weather is cold so everyone be careful of your health.
During the middle ten days of the month I am going up to Seoul, just in case you all were wondering where I live.
Just as if the wind was blowing past your face think of it as me asking how you were doing.
Meanwhile I thank you very very much!!
Shalom~~!
--
“Doctor there has been a terrible accident. The mute...No, SiWal’s son had an accident. He rolled over with the cultivator (farm tool for tilling) and is drenched in blood”
The patient’s condition was worse than I thought. In a lane where there is no street lamp and it is dark the accident must have occurred after drinking alcohol and then driving, rolling into the rice paddy as the handle part must have hit the stomach area hard as it was ripped and there was a lot of blood coming out. Like this while being transferred to a big hospital there is no doubt that the patient would pass away.
I better suture the ruptured blood vessel.
Hani’s face started to turn deathly pale as it was her first time seeing this much blood.
“Eh Oh Oh Oh!”
In front of the son who had already lost consciousness the mute mother’s groan like scream was eagerly begging for her son’s life more then a thousand and ten thousand times.
“Doctor! Please surely save my son, saying he will live with his mother in this remote island is pitiful…”
The pitiful cry that would not come out of her mouth, the mother’s cry when in front of her son facing his death came and nudged me in my heart.
After deciding surgery everything became urgent.
Before shock comes over the patient from extensive bleeding, stopping the bleeding needed to be done.
First securing prayer, then finding the cut blood vessels one by one by a clamp to pick and stop the bleeding.
But there must have been some blood vessels that I could not find as the bleeding would not stop.
The area of injury was overspread with blood which was the reason of not being able to find the blood vessel.
As anxiety wiggles I felt like a black snake being coiled up.
“Physiological saline!”
I did not hear a response.
“Physiological saline!” “Hani? Oh Hani, Please, Help me!”
Sadly when I called Hani in my heart she was standing trembling in the corner bringing me the saline solution that in the end began spilling on the floor.
I thought that I have to first comfort Hani and give her confidence.
“Just do as I say in a calm and orderly way. Then there will be no problem. Trust me!!
First take the saline solution and wash the injured area while continuously suctioning the area. This is because we need to find out where the blood is coming from”
With my voice Hani regained her confidence and the next time without shaking she followed well.
The experiences in the operating room at the general hospital came to mind. Calmly and orderly finding the blood vessels I began to suture them.
Finally the surgery safely ended.
After sending off the patient to the rescue helicopter in stable condition all the strength in my body was gone.
Without even knowing I slithered down to sit down in the hall.
I played it off as not knowing, playing it off as having an extreme amount of confidence…but the truth is…truthfully…I was afraid.
With being afraid I settled down my shaking hand and stitching the blood vessels with the most care was hard work.
The tension turning into strength for my shoulders reassured this hard work.
Besides one movement of my hand, one decision of having one’s life in my hands truthfully no matter what, is something that is a heavy burden that presses my heart. But if you want to see moments of me shaking, then being unable to save this patient without agitation could not have been hidden and seen.
But after winning over all this and saving one’s life with my hands truthfully gave me a thrilling and fulfilled joy. With words that I cannot describe…For this moment I think I have studied hard during all those years.
“It was hard, wasn’t it? However you did well by becoming a doctor.”
Gently Hani rested onto my shoulder. The temperature coming to my feelings were warm as I whispered gently to myself.
“Hani, it is because of you. Because of you I found it, my dream is good – because of you this good instant was made. Not only for the image you make but,
Hani, the image that you make for me is also good. The comfortable person that I become when I am with you is who I like.”
Even being afraid of the future which a genius could not figure out, the wandering me found what I was supposed to do by your teachings (ways).For the official experience that you did not even know or could do, all the misery and tears produced- because of you I became a doctor.
A person who never hides love for the one they love.
A person like this who is my wife…
A warm person that I could never meet again in this world…
It is really good.
